Givers are people that after learning as much as they can about you and your needs, will help you in the most natural and easygoing way and usually without even being asked. Their help could be translated into a good advice, an idea, a contact, or any other form that the giver could deliver on. The best giver you could have in your network is a proactive giver, one with high quality contacts who would have the wisdom to give you the highest value possible.
Takers are people that ask for favors, help, contacts, or advise but never give back anything valuable in return. If once a giver helped you, it probably was after you needed to ask him or her several times, and they will not let you forget about it. Takers are the kind of people you do not need in your network. Even if you heard that they are very connected or could help you in other ways, don’t bother, it most probably will only be a waist of time.
In a nut shell – Networking is the art of giving to givers. Sounds simple, right? Then how is it, that so many of us “good guys and gals” find ourselves surrounded by takers, that is, people who know best how to exploit our skills, knowledge and our connections to their own advantage, but when it comes to giving something in return… well, that’s a whole different story. Of course, part of the problem lays in our inability to ask for what we need, but that could be solved easily, once we follow the thumb rule: Give only to givers.
Just think of what your life would be like, if you had a few quality people in your immediate circle. I am referring to people with quality networking systems, or people who hold key positions, either at your business domain or a complementary one. If you would manage to maintain a good mutual value relationship with them, you could have a great team “working” for you. Of course, when I say “working” I do not mean that you will pay for their help, knowledge, advice or contact, but rather give them back, on the same token. Note that the people you could be surrounded with are proactive givers! They could be looking for new and better opportunities at any given moment – just for you.
Sounds like a dream – right ?!
Well, when I teach about networking I refer to what I termed “The Value System”. The value system is the best method that could teach, very simply and intuitively, how to identify a person that wants to give and help you, best way he or she can. From my experience, building true and giving relationships, with high value givers, is the best way to get there.
More about the Value System in my next post “The Value System”.
Meanwhile I will be more than happy to hear what you thinking!
Opher
10 responses so far ↓
Moshe // Jan 3, 2007 at 17:49
Dear Opher,
A great post with extraordinary insights !
Do you intend to write a book on this subject ?
Thanks,
M.
שרה // Jan 3, 2007 at 17:52
שלום עופר
עם כל הכבוד ליתרונות של נטוורקינג, כפי שאתה מציג אותם -
האם לא מדובר בהשקעת זמן אדירה ומיותרת ??
מעבר לכך, הנושא נתפס בעיני כעיסוק יומיומי בטובות הנאה הדדיות, ואף מהסוג הנמוך ביותר…
אשמח לשמוע דעתך,
שרה.
Nechama M. // Jan 4, 2007 at 15:48
Great stuff! i’ve enjoyed reading it.
My problem is that i used to give only to “takers”
yet those “takers” posed as “givers”! does it make any sence?
Thanks, Nechama
opher // Jan 6, 2007 at 15:57
Sarah Shalom,
You are asking a good question, one that I am being asked on regular basis. Unfortunately Business Networking has gotten it self a bad reputation. Fortunately for me I had the privilege to learn how to do BNW from the best networkers in Israel. They taught me that loving people helps giving without expecting anything back. From my experience, most people, when they receive something good, something with added value, show their appreciation by giving back. Of course some people know just how to take (I call them takers), from such people I recommend to avoid any contact. Unless, I chose to help people who have nothing to give in return other then their love.
And you, have you ever tried to connect two people just because it seemed right, without being asked and without expecting anything in return? Did someone once helped you with an idea or opening a door that was closed or non existent before he (or she) came to your help? This is exactly the kind of giving I am talking about. This is not dirty networking, but rather a good and healthy business relationship, which is founded exactly on these notions.
Also, once you formed a small, yet high quality, group of people (I call them givers), you will find out that business networking is all about being personal, and it is all about constantly thinking on how you could help your friends. I find this neither petty nor time consuming. I hope you will too.
I hope you read my former post “The 10 Commandments of Networking”. It will give you a better idea of where I am coming from. Also, keep reading my future posts on the subject; I will touch the question you’ve raised with more in-depth examples.
Yours,
Opher
opher // Jan 6, 2007 at 15:57
Hi Moshe,
Thanks for the warm words
I am indeed in the process of writing a book about business networking, yet it is one more milestone in an exciting process I am going through, of building a company. I’ve collected around me a wonderful group of people, which are going through my personal training. The Brayer Group is working towards building a platform that will provide services and products such as developing Multi-Talent capabilities for kids (you could read about it in my former posts); providing enhanced human personal operating systems for peoples to get their lives on track and company enhanced human operating system that will help both the company and its employees achieve their goals (both organizational and personal). Through a very interesting and complex methodology I’ve created, people and companies now have the opportunity to succeed and grow, where they once failed. With the vast experience I accumulated in the past decades, I learned how to help them overcome the patterns they keep falling back into. I am also developing varied seminars and courses (i.e. Business Networking, Master-Mind, Management Strategy, Systemic Thinking and many more) that will be available during 2007.
All the best,
Opher
opher // Jan 6, 2007 at 18:01
Hi Nechama,
I know the problem too well. What I offer is to give people a chance. You don’t have to give in a big way, but rather in small things i.e. making a contact, suggesting an idea. If after this the person does not give back (especially if you asked for help or a connection) stop giving.
In one of my next posts I write more in depth about how to recognize givers and takers, and what to do next.
Thank you for writing and I hope to hear from you soon.
Yours,
Opher
שגית // Jan 7, 2007 at 6:42
תגובה לשרה
שרה שלום.
קראתי את תגובתך וחשתי במילותייך מידה מסויימת של כעס על ה-”לכאורה ניסיון” לשוות לנטוורקינג מידות טובות, כשבעצם לדידך, נטוורקינג וכל העיסוק סביב, אינו אלא “עיסוק יומיומי בטובות הנאה הדדיות…”
אני מניחה שדיבור אשר במובן מסויים מכמת/מודד נתינה, ורחמנא ליצלן מקטלג אנשים ל”נותנים” ו”לוקחים” מעורר בעוד רבים מלבדך סלידה ומעבר לכך - טומן בעצם קיומו “פרדוקס” - והלא כיצד לעזעזעל אנשים יכולים לדון כל העת במי נותן ומי לוקח ובו בזמן לבנות רשת שהחברים בה אינם משתייכים ל”כת האינטרסנטים המובהקים” - או ל”מחפשי טובות הנאה”?!…
ובכן, קריאה מעמיקה במובא, מראה שהפרדוקס לעי”ל אינו באמת קיים - הוא נוצר בראשינו כשאנו עצמינו רואים בנתינה אמצעי להשיג דבר מה וכשבתפישתינו - אם נתנו אז “חייבים לנו” או לחילופין “נוצלנו”. מר. בראייר מביא בכתביו את נקודת מבטו שהיא שונה בתכלית מזו:
נתינה של “נותן” משמעותה נתינה לאחר ללא כל ציפייה לתמורה, ומכאן אפשר להסיק שאם קבוצה של “נותנים” מתקשרת הרי שמתקיימת נתינה בתוך הקבוצה ועל כן קבוצה כזו יכולה להיות רשת אפקטיבית לחבריה; ואותם חברים, שרה, לא מתעסקים בכמה נתנו וכמה קיבלו ובודאי לא בטובות הנאה למינהן. אותם חברים יודעים שלרשת כזו יש כוח ולכן יש לכולם אינטרס אחד - לתרום לרשת על ידי הסתייעות האחד בשני, ובזה - אין שום דבר רע או לא מוסרי. להיפך.
הקושי והחוכמה - להימנע מה”לוקחים” ולחבור למקבלים!
שגית.
opher // Jan 7, 2007 at 9:45
Dear Sagit,
I was very touched by what you wrote. That is exactly the kind of giving and type of networking I am referring to in my teachings. I truly believe that becoming a giver improves your life by far. I am indeed fortunate enough to have an amazing network myself, but it took time, perseverance and encountering both givers and takers on the way. Along this path I realized that I have important knowledge to contribute to people, and I am happy to read and learn that there are wonderful people, such as your self, that reached the same conclusion, and more over, want to help those that are still learning.
Thank you.
Opher
שגית // Jan 8, 2007 at 13:18
Dear Mr. Brayer, Opher,
I thank you for your response.
I believe too that becoming a giver can improves life by far.
(I must admit that becoming one (i.e. a giver) (and I’m still learning) is not as simple as it might seems in a first glance - it is indeed not about giving but rather about where the giving comes from - that inner source of unconditional acceptance and love all of us once possessed when we came to this world, and somehow lost on the way…)
I believe that your insights you have been sharing will help lots of people who wish, like I do, to become. givers.
Sagit
Opher // Jan 10, 2007 at 9:12
Dear Sagit,
Again you right!
Being a giver is something we all need to work on, until it absorbs well in our system and becomes, once again, our nature to do so.
Recently I re-read Carnegie Dale’s wonderful book How to Win Friends and Influence People, Dale quotes:
“Action seems to follow feelings, but really action and feeling go together, and by regulating the action, which is under the more direct control of the will, we can indirectly regulate the feeling, which is not”.
Psychologist and philosopher William James
Yes, it takes time and perseverance, belief in the people around us and, of course, belief in our selves. All together, I think it is well worth the time!
Yours,
Opher
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